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being a good parent, dysfunctional family, empty nest, empty nest syndrome, fauxhawk, fauxhawks, functional family, helicopter parent, how do I forgive myself, how to be a good mom, how to be a good parent, how to reconcile family, mohawks, parenting mistakes, perfect family, picket fence, raising children, soccer mom, when to get divorced
by Suzannah Gilman
When I found out I was pregnant with my first child, I decided I would put everything I had into raising my children. I would be someone they respected even after they were grown. I reached those goals. But what I didn’t know was that I was going to make mistakes anyway. Here’s how I failed.
1. Not Letting My Children Struggle
I mediated every snag or wrinkle in their lives, from disagreements they had in elementary school to delivering a project they forgot at home, because I had a single mother who didn’t even do all the basics for me. They didn’t have to solve their own problems. I took that up as my job, and I was good at it because I’d been solving problems my whole life. Big mistake. My children grew to adulthood without picking up survival skills.
I micro-managed my eldest going off to college. He had the guts to say “Mom, stop doing so much for me. Let me do it myself.” I tried to back down with my other two sons, a junior and a senior in high school. I gave my youngest, my daughter, the most room to look out for herself. She became financially aware, got her first credit card as a college freshman, and later refused to let me pay her tuition. At 23, she got a mortgage on her own. She has survival skills. At least I didn’t fail her.
2. Comparing My Children to Myself
When my youngest started kindergarten, I went back to college and finished my last three years on academic scholarships and then went to law school. “I had a hard life, quit school in 9th grade, got a GED, had three kids by age 22, and look at me! Straight A’s, and now I’m a lawyer! You can do at least as well!” Wrong thing to say, apparently, though I thought of it as cheerleading.
Other encouragement I gave, such as “You could do better on that paper you’re writing if you let me proofread it” or “Your eyes would really show up if you wore makeup” didn’t help, either. They took it as “You aren’t good enough.” This is something two of them worked on with their therapists as adults. Now I praise them for their accomplishments and mention their strengths with no attached expectations. If only I’d done that sooner. Keep reading . . .